It started as a pagan holiday
every winter they would celebrate away
to commemorate the lengthening of the days
and for several centuries it was okay

there were many kinds of people all around
and our modern archeologists have found
that it really isn't much coincidence
that they celebrate the basic same events at this time

you see the christians had some rivals at the time
a hundred years after Jesus's demise
at the solstice all the people worshipped Mithras
a sort of pagan/roman cousin to Jesus

the church decided something must be done
they were losing out to worship of the sun
so they decided on december 25th
so the heathens might just throw the towel in
and they did

dionysus was born on december 25th
just like you know who
osiris the egyptian you could probably take a guess
at when he was born, too
and they're not the only ones
'cause the babylonians
they had someone who was born
on the day we got our lord

and that's when jesus started turning green
he ripped off his shirt and grew out of his jeans
he started breathing fire and looking really mean
all around
he told me dionysus was something of a prick
forget about osiris and focus on st. nick
we'd better toast to him if we're gonna raise our glasses
he'd kick our pagan asses
amen