Have Yourself A Very Little Christmas

by Love Axe

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Every year since 2002, various friends use the Suburban Sprawl Holiday compilation as a way to have fun, write some totally sweet holiday songs, and collaborate.

This is a collection of a few of our contributions over the years, all bundled up in a nice package for your enjoyment. We hope they'll keep you warm and secular through these winter months and beyond!

And don't forget to check out previous year's compilation at subsprawl.com/xmas. Happy Holidays!


released December 1, 2016



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Love Axe Los Angeles, California

There are two types of people in the world: solipsists.

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Track Name: (Not) Home For The Holidays
I'm not gonna get a snowy winter
everything's just gonna stay the same
there won't be plows coming down the street
Christmas gonna be another sunny fucking day

won't get to have my grandma's cooking
won't get to wear a hat or gloves
no more snowball fights at night
almost nothing 'bout December that I love

with possibly one exception
hanging above my door
I gotta say it's a great invention
and you know what it's for

Christmas doesn't have to be cold
as long as you got mistletoe
I don't mind if I'm missing the snow
as long as I got mistletoe

I won't get to spend all my money
on stuff that doesn't matter anyway
and I won't get to spend any time
with relatives who keep confusing me with uncle dave

I won't get to watch my father get drunk
I won't get to sit in church and stew
I won't get to just nod my head
and act like I don't have a different point of view

it's so hard to live so far away
there's so much that I miss
I know how to make everything okay
with just a little kiss

I don't need silver and I don't need gold
as long as I got mistletoe
it may not be dark and it may not be cold
but baby, I got mistletoe

go ahead fill my stocking with coal
just leave some room for mistletoe
there's no need to spend christmas alone
'cause baby, I got mistletoe
Track Name: Baby, I Wish It Was Cold Outside
Remember when snow used to fall?
But now it just don't snow at all
The fragments of moon in the sky look so nice
Oh Santa, please bring us some ice

Though the nuclear north pole is so nice and warm
no reindeer are born, just clones
there are cyclops to eat
and these gills can't be beat
but baby, I wish it was cold

it is going to get better soon
that's what they said when they blew up the moon
and so
I won't believe it until I can see
a piece of sky, a bird, the sun, some trees
oh no
you just don't listen when I say it's bad
don't count your eggs until your children hatch
they won't

winter makes a child out of all of us
you don't need these compound eyes to see
happy underwater christmas
from me
Track Name: If I Had My Selfish Way
If I had my selfish way
I'd feed all of the hungry poor
and everyone who didn't have
would end up with a little more
but maybe there's no way to tend
to every little living thing
if peace on earth is too much to ask
could you spare a little peace for me?

I'd take the bullets from their guns
and turn them into shooting stars
I'd give the mothers back their sons
and teach them how to mend their hearts
but some things don't change over night
or even after the weekend
if peace on earth is too much to ask
could you spare a little peace for them?

I don't remember when I last sat
folded with my hands in prayer
I don't know why I should expect
the universe to care
but maybe some hail marys are
just touchdowns waiting for a team
if peace on earth is too much to ask
could you spare a little peace for me?
Track Name: All I Want For Christmas Is What I Can't Take Back
If I could ask for just this one favor
I'd probably pass on presents and paper
'cause this don't wrapped
and nothing gets tailored quite so

instead of a gift, I would quit stalling
undo what I did and make every promise
'cause I do have a conscience
it only comes calling way too late

the dreams that I have
are wonderful until I wake up at last
and realize that I have no course of action
how stupid to think that I should!

I was so worried about what I was getting
there wasn't that much left to give
you deserve more than that unpublished poetry
and I deserve to have it read

the irony held in this confession
is you're not alone in deserving explanation
but I get just one song
on this compilation each year

and the one you now love
I hope he is careful and capable of
nothing so terrible as I once was
it would be so unbearable, dear
Track Name: War On Christmas
I'm so sick of people smiling
and being super nice to me
all that Yuletide extra miling
all that stupid red and green

all those bells that won't stop ringing
all those families having fun
I wish those assholes would stop singing
and it's clear something must be done

let's dominate the news
and take free speech away
we'll legislate the use
of "Happy Holidays"
from Washington to West Virgina
it's time we had a War on Christmas

We have meetings ever morning
at which we pray to communists
we force young girls to get abortions
we practice how to lie to kids

and if that scares you, please remember
we drink blood from babies hearts
and don't forget that gay agenda
courtesy of NPR

We will come for you
through the media
we shall persecute
with wikipedia
and then we'll make you study with us
it's time we had a War on Christmas

and if you think we're sinister
then go talk to your minister
he'll pass the plate and collect a bundle
for some missionaries hanging in the jungle
with illiterates who got nothing on them
but they still won't teach no one to use a condom
because no disease is quite as tragic
if you just believe in a magic man, oh yeah

a billion people still believe this
it's time we had a War on Christmas
Track Name: Born Again Pagan
It started as a pagan holiday
every winter they would celebrate away
to commemorate the lengthening of the days
and for several centuries it was okay

there were many kinds of people all around
and our modern archeologists have found
that it really isn't much coincidence
that they celebrate the basic same events at this time

you see the christians had some rivals at the time
a hundred years after Jesus's demise
at the solstice all the people worshipped Mithras
a sort of pagan/roman cousin to Jesus

the church decided something must be done
they were losing out to worship of the sun
so they decided on december 25th
so the heathens might just throw the towel in
and they did

dionysus was born on december 25th
just like you know who
osiris the egyptian you could probably take a guess
at when he was born, too
and they're not the only ones
'cause the babylonians
they had someone who was born
on the day we got our lord

and that's when jesus started turning green
he ripped off his shirt and grew out of his jeans
he started breathing fire and looking really mean
all around
he told me dionysus was something of a prick
forget about osiris and focus on st. nick
we'd better toast to him if we're gonna raise our glasses
he'd kick our pagan asses
Track Name: Carbon Dioxide Snow
mid-winter frostbite on prickly legs
the kettle sits empty
I watch the sky

walks on the snow filled with carbon dioxide
black polyester coat train
passes me by

and the stock police officer shot
as the chorus sings out for the souls of their brothers
they're dumb
dumb as the television news anchor
with all of the teeth and the charm
I, I watch them all
with utter belief
like I watch the streetlights
and cars on the street
and I walk through the snow